#100

i just noticed that this is my 100th post.

today is (as usual) better than yesterday. but yesterday was bad. bad bad bad. i spent most of the day curled up alone on the couch crying over ric.e krispi.es & airline commercials. you know the ones that show moms & kids with sappy music that just say how freaking wonderful these moments are & how great it is to share them with your kids. except i don't have any. then tom came home early- because i'm pretty sure he IS closing up the shop by the new year- and we just cuddled on the couch for a while. which was lovely. but we were supposed to go out to a friend's house for a party so we got ready & got in the car to go get food. pull into the parking lot and i told him my thoughts- i don't even remember what exactly was said- but he responded to my query at his thoughts with a "i can't think about YOUR problems when i have enough of MINE right now." i was very upset (i still think understandibly so) that he thinks that our (possible) infertility is MY problem & the shop is HIS. i tend to think of them as OURS- both of them. so we fight. and it's ugly. thankfully we have perfected the form of fighting particular to us in the 11 years we've been together & it's over by the time we get back home. so we make up, turn around again & get some food.

then to our friend's house & it was exactly what we both needed. watching cheesy crappy movies- evil dead 2 & evil animals. hysterical. lots of wine & absolutely no mention or thoughts of starting (or not starting) a family. just enjoying the moment. oh- and pumpkin pie. yum.

so i don't know where this 100th post is - i don't know my own mood right now. i do know that i'm tired of thinking about this all the time. i'm tired of getting disappointed, of getting my hopes up & heart broken every month. i'm tired of telling my husband when we NEED to have sex & not just living my life carefree & enjoying every part of it. i'm tired of taking my temp every morning & worrying if i should start opk'ing yet. i guess i'm just tired of planning for something i can't control. i know what to do & it doesn't seem to work. i know what we could do if we get certain results back from testing- or even if we don't. but i also know that we have a lot more to work out right now. we can't afford to move forward very far with any sort of art right now if that is what is to come. not with his business closing. does this mean that we shouldn't try. that it would be irresponsible to even attempt to get pregnant right now. i'm not even sure.

because i also know that we are supposed to be parents. i know that no matter what comes our way we will be fine- better than fine- we'll flourish. i mean- we have so far. after a year of trying & a year of basically supporting us- i am stronger than i thought i was. i understand love & sacrifice in a way i never thought. but i also know disappointment & frustration. i know the meaning of 'out of our hands'. we can't control a lot in this life, but we can try our best. and that's about it. i know that i will never stop trying, i just can't imagine it. and someday (somehow) we will get our child. and our hard work will pay off. my husband will be happy at his career- whatever that ends up being. and all the tears are worth it in the end. so i hear.

so i guess i am just hoping to be less disappointed and less heartbroken. i am hoping to to feel secure & happy all the time- not just the moments i can put ttc out if my mind. i am hoping beyond hope that we get some good news soon. and until my hopes are realized i will try very hard to stay positive about life in general. and just keep trying.